"i hate you" (Pepper)

I look up at Carleigh as she saunters by my desk, dropping a small piece of paper. I unfold it nervously, my hands shaking. 'you're a fat piece of shit and you look like a deformed whale that's been out of the water too long xoxo'. I press my lips together and pick up my binder and purse, storming back out of the classroom. I hear Carleigh snort behind me. I can't sit in that room and listen to them whisper about me and my fat face and thighs. I lock myself into a bathroom stall just as the bell rings. How do I do this? I push my bangs back with a couple of bobby pins and try to decide what to do with the little pieces of hair that hang around my face. I can't put it in a ponytail. I tuck them behind my ears and hope they stay. I hang my head over the toilet bowl and get down on my knees. I try to make myself gag. This is weird and it's not working. I press two fingers into the part of my neck between my collarbones. I make some gagging noises. Nothing happens. I stare at my reflection in the water. My round, fleshy face wavers at me. Tears fall and make ripples in my fatty cheeks. "I hate you." I whisper, clawing at my thighs. They're too busy making out to care about how I feel. Maybe I can make myself puke purely out of disgust of myself. I wait five, ten, fifteen minutes. It doesn't happen. Finally, I unlock my phone and decide to google it. 'How do I make myself puke?' About a million yahoo answers pop up I tap one and read the one voted most helpful by asker. 'Put your pointer and middle finger into your mouth and shove them in the back of your throat. You'll probably have to wiggle them around for a while. Don't stop when you feel yourself start to gag. Keep going until you get something up. Then retch away.' I return my phone to my purse and hang it on the little thing on the door, then look at myself one more time in the water. I poke my fat roll. I close my eyes and shove my fingers back into my throat. I move them around, making sure to touch the uvula a lot. Finally, I gag. I don't stop. I'm leaning over the toilet with my hand in my mouth, gagging uncontrollably, and then it happens. I hurriedly pull my fingers out and let everything I've eaten today exit my body. I hack a little bit, forcing more and more until nothing comes up but clear liquid. I rest my head on the cool porcelain seat and close my eyes. The stuff that came out of my stomach smells disgusting but I have to rest. Finally, after taking a couple minutes to breathe, I flush the toilet and drop my purse back over my head. I step out of the stall and look in the mirror. I'm shockingly white and sweaty looking. I pull the bobby pins from my hair and brush it out quickly. I look in the mirror at my stomach. It's still huge but seems smaller than before. Maybe this will work for me. It wasn't so bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all. I smile at myself, but stop when I see how much fatter my cheeks look. Ew. I wash my hands and splash some water into my mouth before giving up and shoving a piece of gum in. The bell rings, and I join the crowd in the halls to go to my last period.