excerpt

I lounge on my bed, trying to count the spots on the popcorn ceiling.

Thirteen,

fourteen...

 did I already count that one?

Nah. Fifteen.

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen...

I blink as the doorbell rings, and sit up, pulling on a hoodie and heading down the hallway. I open the door and blink.

"Oh, hi Uncle Lennon..." I grin at Raspberry and wave, slightly shyly.

Raspberry shakes her head, and I blink again, stepping out of the doorway.

Why is she acting so strangely?

My uncle slips inside and drags in my cousin, looking around.

"So, are you here all alone?"

I nod. "Yeah, my parents went to go see a movie."

He smiles. "Oh, I hope they have fun."

I slide my hands into my hoodie pocket and look at Raspberry, who appears to be nervous. I blink at my Uncle. "Um..."

He steps closer to me, and I step back. He continues until he has me backed against a wall, and roughly grabs my hips, slinging me over his shoulders.

I hear a small yelp escape my lips, and close my eyes as I am thrown back onto my mattress, which seems far less comforting now as Raspberry's father unzips my hoodie and rips off the tank top underneath, smiling at the rhinestones on my pink bra cups.

"Cute."

I just stare up at him, beginning to shake.

What is he doing to me?

Raspberry bangs on the door, which has been locked by her dad, and yells at him to let me go.

Why does she sound so scared? Does she know what’s happening to me?

“Raspberry!” I scream desperately. “Help me!”

Her father smacks me across the face and I feel his ring hard on my cheekbone. Uncle Lennon rips away my bra and my leggings.

He leans in and presses his lips to mine.

They taste like cheap whiskey and lipstick. He jams his thumbs into my hipbones, grinning as I close my eyes tightly and squeal.

He starts biting me. His teeth are tearing into me, and it hurts.

Why is he biting me? What is he doing?

My heart is beating out of my chest in rhythm with Raspberry’s fists on my door. My underwear is gone, and he’s grabbing at my thighs. I feel like I am not in my body. I feel light, like I am drifting from myself.

He is touching me. Why is he touching me so much?

It hurts. Suddenly, my door bangs open. Raspberry grabs her father's shoulders and yanks him away from me, tucking the blankets around my shoulders. My tears blur my vision, and I don’t hear much but my own sobs, but I know he is hurting her. I only see small flashes.

Raspberry’s silky pink and red hair being pulled at harshly.

My uncle’s horrible teeth, now far too close to my beautiful cousin’s shoulders and lips.

Her porcelain skin being kicked and shoved and torn by dirty fingernails.

Too much.

I see too much.

And I can’t make it stop.

“Baby?”

Raspberry is leaning close to my face. Her hair is tied into a bun and all her makeup is off. She is wearing a pair of my sleep shorts and my big sweatshirt.

I wrap my arms around her. She strokes my cheek where her father’s ring hit me so hard.

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head. “I’m scared.”

She picks me up and rubs my back. I fight against her arms for a while, feeling self conscious without any clothing.

She sighs and picks up a blanket, wrapping it around me.

I let her pick me up again and rest my head on her chest.

“What did he... do to me?”

She just kisses my forehead, and I bury my face into her neck.

She smells like Winter Candy Apple, the Bath and Body Works scent she wears all the time. I sniff her, and she walks with me to the couch, sitting down.

I curl up closer to her and hide my face in her soft breasts. She tenses up for a moment and I realize I’m probably pressing on all kinds of bruises, but then she relaxes and returns to petting my hair.

Her shiny black nails gently comb through all my tangles, and she begins a braid. I feel myself release at her hands in my hair, and for the first time since my uncle arrived, I feel calm.

I feel okay.

I am okay.

My cousin is holding me and is going to keep my safe.

My parents will be home soon and they will help to make sure my uncle never touches me again.

I am okay.

“Raspberry?” I feel her jump slightly, like I woke her up.

“Mm?”

“Do you love me?”

“Do I love...” She sounds like I’ve caught her off guard. “Of course I love you.” She whispers into my neck.

Her breath is warm and smells like cinnamon and sugar. I close my eyes and let her steady chest movement completely relax my mind.

Raspberry’s voice is angry and tight.

I am still warm on the couch.

A phone slams on a cradle.

I pretend to be asleep.

I can hear Raspberry open my bedroom door and go inside. She walks back out a few minutes later, and I open my eyes. She is holding a pair of pink underwear, my black leggings, and a soft sweatshirt.

Her eyes are sad when they meet mine. She slowly makes her way over to where I’m sitting and hands me the clothes.

“Here, put these on.”

Her voice is still too high pitched and strained.

“Where are we going?” I whisper, clutching the blanket tightly. Tears gather in her eyes and spill down her pale cheeks. They fall on my forehead.

Why is she crying?

What’s going on?

Her cracked lips tremble. “Your parents are in the... your parents drowned about an hour ago.”

The room spins.

This isn’t real.

This is a dream.

I clutch the couch cushions.

She gently pries my fingers out of the fists I’ve made them into and unwraps my warm blanket, sliding the sweatshirt over my head and guiding my arms through the sleeves. She eases my underwear up my legs, careful of places where my uncle grabbed me too hard, and finally, with a bit of effort, she gets me into the cotton leggings.

Her shoulders shake as she stares at my face.

“Pinch me.” I command, my voice hard and angry.

She covers her face and her sobs fill my ears.

I know this is not a dream.

My chest explodes.

My parents are dead.

A shrill siren invades my head.

It does not stop.

It is me.

I am screaming my lungs out.

When I open my eyes again, I’m in a bright room on a couch.

People are talking, and I smell Raspberry’s perfume. My head is in her lap and she is snoring. Wheelchairs and stretchers scurry past. A few people look shaken. I am in the emergency room.

I sit up slowly and find a blanket has been draped over me. I pull it around my shoulders and reposition myself against my cousin. She stirs slightly but doesn’t open her eyes. Another snore tells me I haven’t woken her.

I notice a bit of red standing out on my white sweatshirt and peek underneath. There’s a large cut, sticky with dried blood. My skin hangs sadly, like it has accepted defeat.

I shuffle over to where a receptionist is holding her head in her hand and occasionally jumping after her head nods a few times. She blinks her heavy eyelids open wider and sits up.

“What do you need?” Her voice is very careful and her expression is serious and sad.

I realize then that she knows I’m their daughter.

The two bodies lying somewhere in bags have a daughter and I am her.

I swallow and pull at the neck of my shirt, showing her the tear. “I... I think I need stitches...”

She nods, looking even sadder than before.

Did Raspberry tell her what happened to me?

She speaks into a small radio.

Silence.

A second of static.

A voice.

“Paging Dr. Odair.” She smiles at me but she doesn’t really smile. “A doctor is on his way right now, he’s going to fix it.”

I nod slowly and sit down on the floor in front of the desk. The receptionist peers down at me and her lip shakes before she returns to her seat. I hear her blow her nose. I close my eyes.

Big man feet.

Scrub pants.

Manly voice.

A hand on my shoulder.

I open my eyes and see a doctor with soft grey eyes and wavy black hair kneeling in front of me. I just pull down my collar. He nods.

“I’m Doctor Odair, I’m going to fix that for you.” I nod back and wince as I pull myself up with the help of the counter.

It still hurts.

He nods at the receptionist, whose eyes are red and the skin around it is all puffy. He leads me down a few hallways before selecting a room and gesturing to the bed. I sit down and watch him gather supplies from cabinets. He closes the door behind him, and I feel my body tense.

His eyebrows knit together and lines on his forehead intensify. The skin around his eyes is crinkly.

He looks nice.

But why did he close the door?

“Can you take your shirt off for me?”

I quickly push myself off the other side of the bed and grab a tool that’s sitting in a tray. “No!”

He raises both his hands. “I’m not going to hurt you. I just need you to remove your sweater so I can stitch up this laceration without stretching out the collar on your pretty shirt.”

“I’m not wearing a bra.” My voice sounds small and scared.

“I promise, I will not hurt you. Do you want your cousin to come in and make sure I don’t?”

I nod, and my hair flops into my eye.

I don’t fix it.

He picks up a radio from the counter and speaks into it.

His voice is smooth. “I need Raspberry Summers to come to Room 138.”

Silence.

A second of static.

The receptionist’s voice.

“She’s on her way.”

Raspberry suppresses a yawn as she enters the room. Her bun is falling apart and it has somehow ended up on the left side of her head. She sits down in the chair close to the bed and I return where I was before.

The doctor holds up four thread color choices.

“Pink.” I whisper, and he glances down at my shirt, then lifts his eyebrows.

I take a deep breath and peek over at Raspberry.

She blows me a kiss.

I reluctantly pull off my warm shirt.

He doesn’t even blink. He just examines the cut, pours a clear liquid on some cotton, and presses it to my chest. It burns, but I don’t say anything.

He throws the rusty colored cotton away and threads a long, curved needle.

I swallow and squeeze my eyes shut, unable to watch as it goes through my skin and begins its journey.

I can feel my skin being pulled on, and an occasional stick, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as I was afraid it would.

Suddenly, my sweater is lying on my lap.

I open my eyes. The doctor tosses the needle in a red box and returns his spool of thread to a cabinet, then locks it.

I pull my shirt back on and see Raspberry smiling at me.

“You did a great job.” She whispers, and I run over to her, climbing into her lap. She wraps her arms around me and I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I look over my shoulder to see Dr. Odair half smiling at me. I half smile back.

“Thank you.” I mumble shyly, and he touches my cheek lightly. “I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.”

I nod and hide my face in Raspberry’s chest. I hear her murmur something to him, but I don’t listen to them talk.

After the door closes, Raspberry runs her hands through my hair again and I savor her relaxing touch as my eyelids grow heavy.

“I’ll come check on you every day, okay? And remember, you’re not supposed to be living alone. You’re supposed to be living with us, so make sure no one knows you’re staying here.”

I am back in my house. Raspberry and her mother are working on getting my uncle out as soon as possible, any way they can. They said my house would sell quickly so they’re looking for an apartment for me.

Everything is boxed up. Aunt Juli and Raspberry came to help me pack some of my parents’ furniture and all their other belongings up. They’re picking it all up tomorrow to take to their house and keep in their attic.

I can’t stand to see it.

I can’t stand to be in this house.

Everywhere I go; there are little wisps of them,

and of me,

and my uncle’s dirty hands.

I know they’re doing the best they can but I hope they can hurry and get me out of this sad, haunted, painful place.

I nod at Raspberry. “Okay. No one will find out.”

She kisses the top of my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

No.

Not okay.

Don’t leave me here.

Uncle Lennon’s ghostly hands are grabbing at me, reaching all the way from my bedroom to the foyer to get me.

Don’t leave.

I need you.

Protect me.

His hands are choking me.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t do this.

Stay.

Please.

“Okay.” I fake a smile and she smiles back. “Okay, call me if you need anything.” I hug her tightly and she jumps a little bit before hugging me back. “I’m coming back tomorrow, I promise. Do you want me to stay?”

Yes.

Don’t ever leave me.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.” I don’t want her to get worried and think I have emotional problems and I’m too dependent on her.

She smiles at me. “Alright... I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I nod again and try not to cry. “And remember, my mom is going to come too to get all your parents’ things. We’re putting your house on the market at midnight tonight.”

I swallow. “Okay.”

She kisses my forehead. “I love you.”

I swallow again and hope my voice doesn’t crack. “I love you too.” With that, she strokes my cheek, steps outside, closes the door, and is gone.

The tears flood, dripping all over the sweatshirt Raspberry let me borrow.

I hear fingernails on the cardboard boxes stacked all over the place.

My parents are trying to get to me.

They miss me.

And I miss them.

My uncle’s hands tickle at my neck and his grimy ghost fingers twirl the strands of hair that fall from my bun at the nape of my neck.

His sharp and snakelike voice hisses in my ear.

“Come on, girlie. Come on.” He drags me to my bedroom.

I fall to my knees and let tears splash all over the wooden floor. Little pieces of pink and red hair cover the planks. My bra and panties are still on the bed, small blood stains surrounding them.

My uncle’s whispers invade both my ears. “Helpless little girl. You’re mine. I’ll get you.”

I run to where my couch still sits and curl up in the corner. It smells like perfume and cinnamon-sugar.

Raspberry’s gentle fingers caress my neck, soothing the still burning places my uncle’s fingers grazed my skin.

Her smooth voice drifts throughout the whole house.

I close my eyes and wrap my arms around a pillow, pretending it’s my warm cousin. I’m safe.

When I open my eyes, the clock reads eleven.

It’s dark outside.

All my blinds are still open.

My door is unlocked.

I run to the windows and hurriedly yank on the cords, then turn the lock. My hands shake.

My house is dark.

The nails on cardboard and my uncle’s fingers return.

I flip all the lights in the living room on and dive back to the couch. I’m starving, but there’s no way I’m getting up again.

Thunder shakes the windows. I jump and look around. My cell phone is in my bedroom. I could call Raspberry.

I dash to my room and pick up my phone from the pillow where I tossed it earlier. It’s dark in here, and my uncle’s laughter makes my body tremble.

Thunder rattles the house again, and I can hear my mother’s china shake in its’ box. The lights from down the hallway flicker and then go out.

I start to panic.

I hurriedly jam my fingers into the numbers that make my cousin’s phone number. I hold it up to my ear and try to block out everything else. The phone rings once, twice, three times.

I’m starting to cry when her sleepy voice greets my ear. “Brigida?”

I burst into hysterics. “Help me! I’m scared! Come get me! I can’t take it!” I can hear her click a light on and her bed creak. “What’s going on? What’s the matter?” “He’s touching me and I’m scared and it’s dark and youhavetohelpme!”

Raspberry’s bed creaks some more and I hear her open her closet. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“DON’THANGUPONME!” My voice is loud and scared.

“Shhh. I’m not going to hang up on you. It’s okay. Put your phone on speaker, okay?”

I press the speaker button and hold it away from my ear.

“Now use the light from your phone to get to the door so you can wait for me.”

“Can I sit on the couch?”

“Yes. I’ll be there soon, okay?”

I can hear her boots on her staircase. She mumbles something unintelligible, I’m assuming to her mother or father, and then I hear her front door close and lock.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m on the couch.”

“Good. You’re doing good, okay?”

“Okay.”

I hear a car start, and a small click. I start sobbing again.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

I hiccup. “I thought you hung up!” My voice is squeaky.

“I was switching to Bluetooth.” Her voice is calm and beautiful and it makes me feel better.

“Oh.” I sniff.

“I’ll be there soon, I’m coming as fast as I can.”

I can hear car horns honking and Raspberry mumbling things like “eff off,” “stupid-ass”, “titface”, and “you’re an ugly bitch”.

I assume she’s talking to the people honking at her. I listen to her quiet roadrage for a few minutes before I hear tires squeal and a sigh. “Okay, I just turned onto your street.”

I start crying again, relieved, and she tells me she loves me.

I’m too hysterical to respond.

When my door opens, there’s a wet spot on the pillow I put my face in and Raspberry runs over to me, picking me up.

I gasp for breath, making loud honking sounds as she rubs my back.

“You’re okay, I promise.” Her chapped lips kiss my cheek repeatedly, drying up my tears.

Stop, I want to say. You’re going to hurt them even more.

I want her lips to be normal lips.

Not cracked and dry from anxiously licking them and covered in red patches from biting the skin off nervously and split from a fist into an undeserving mouth.

I want them to be soft and pink and always smiling.

I don’t say anything.

I just cry.